Know Better, Do Better.

*trigger to anyone who has been a victim of sexual assault.*

I was 16. I could go on a real date. Heck, I was desperate to go on dates. I NEEDED guys' attention. I wanted to feel cared for and not alone, which is usually how I felt.

I kept bugging him to take me on a date, so one day he picked me up in his white Ford ranger, took me to get a snow cone, which I think I paid for myself, and then we went to his house. He parked in the garage, and I figured, since he would be the one taking me home, I would just leave my wallet in there.
We walked in the house and his mom, still one of my favorite women, greeted me kindly as she always had. Then I followed him to his room because that's where the tv was. He had a bean bag chair on the floor and obviously his bed. I don't remember if he shut the door or cracked it open a tiny bit. He put Thor on, sat on the bean bag, and I sat cross-legged on the bed. I don't know how many times I had been told NOT to be alone with a boy, but did I listen? No.
We started watching the movie, and a few minutes later he moved from the chair to the bed. Then before I knew it, he was laying next to me, playfully flirting. Then he started to kiss me. I pulled my face away and started shaking my head side to side, telling him no. Then he was holding my shoulders down and still kissing my face. I kept whipping my head and telling him to get off, and once the tears started flowing, he finally did. I rolled to the other side of the bed, with tears rolling down my cheeks.
This was NOT what I wanted that date to be. I don't know why I even let myself get in that situation. I thought about leaving because my best friend lived right around the corner, and I knew I could get out of the situation. But my stupid wallet was in his truck. Why did I freaking leave it in there? ALWAYS BRING IT WITH YOU, LEXIE.
My curfew was 10, and I think the first movie ended around 8. I felt too uncomfortable to leave the situation, so he started another movie. It was time to go home, so we got in his truck. The ride home was deadly silent, not to mention awkward. He didn't apologize or say a word. He pulled up to my house, I grabbed the truck door handle, paused, and said, "don't talk to me ever again." And he didn't.

For anyone who has ever been in a situation similar to this, you are not alone. Even though it could have been far more serious, this was still a traumatic experience for me. You don't have to be raped to experience trauma. For those of you who have been raped or sexually abused, it is not your fault. Your feelings and experiences are valid. You don't need to compare them to anyone else's experience. We learn from our experiences, and sometimes the toughest lessons teach us the most important things.

If I could go back to that time, I would tell myself that being alone with a boy in my teens will affect my future relationships, not to mention my marriage. There is a reason boundaries are set; to protect us spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. These things may not seem important at the time, because we want what we want, when we want it. But sharing your personal experiences can help others make wiser decisions.

156 views